Am I in Hell? Oh Wait No, Just Pregnant

Moms and moms-to-be, welcome. I am a first time prego, soon-to-be mom. (Things might get a little personal here, so be prepared.)

My boyfriend and I stopped using protection about 2 years ago. Boyfriend? Oh yes. I did indeed say boyfriend. Whether I have a ring on this finger is really none of anyone else's business and that's that. We are still together even if I've become a devil and he's one of the most annoying things on this earth. I'll go over that further in just a minute. Anyway, yeah! It took that long to get knocked up! Who would of thunk it? I mean I'm a 26 year old healthy woman and he's a 31 year old ... well he's alive anyway. I mentioned this so that if I end up in 'bitch' mode and come off sounding like the most ungrateful person ever to conceive you may recall we wanted this and tried for awhile.

First off, I am about 17 weeks into this nightmare and I know what you are probably thinking, 'you got a long way to go mama.' 'You shouldn't speak about such miracles in such a nasty way. How dare you!' Or you know something to that effect. Or maybe you didn't have the most precious pregnancy ever and find some sympathy here. Don't get me wrong, I am super excited to be a mom, but I don't like pregnancy. I feel like I've lost control of who I am and all I am now is a vessel to grow this baby.

Did your prenatal vitamins make you sick? (or other problems?) Yeah well apparently that is completely normal. Since it was a few weeks until I could see my doctor for my first visit, I had to either live with it or figure something out. For me, eating cereal and taking the pill with the milk was the only way I've found so far. Not the worst thing in the whole world right?

How about the mood swings? Those are my absolute favorite. My boyfriend (really I do love him) is not a cuddly person. He's also not very good with sympathy, emotions in general, and just basically most of what would pass as being a supportive person during all of this. That being said, I do actually know that he loves me but when you are going through something so life altering you need a bit more confirmation than an occasional 'I love you'. Have I told him? Yes to an extent but like I said he doesn't really get it. So instead my prego brain has decided quite rationally to just stop trying in our relationship. I have not been a complete crab-ass because I'm tired, so I just don't do anything. I don't ask him to go places with me, his opinion about things, no affection. Obviously he's realized something is wrong and is starting to pay attention a bit more but only because he thinks I'm mad at him. I realize this is probably not a healthy solution to our problems ... I never claimed it was a good idea though. I'm sure it will be fine once my mood has leveled back out.

Being tired? Coming from someone that was rarely ever tired previously, mostly due to insane amounts of caffeine, that's been a hard thing to handle as well. I hate being tired. It makes me feel useless, which is the worst feeling ever in my book. So tiredness sucks. People keep telling me to take naps. When? When would you like me to take a nap? I don't know about you, but I have a full time job that I have to go to and then I have things to take care of when I get home. Picking up the house, figuring out what's for dinner, working on my crafts for Etsy and now I started with Dove Chocolate Discoveries (Direct sales. It's actually really cool. I plan to do an article on it soon. If you're interested, shoot me a message.). I'm doing all this in hopes of making enough to possibly be a stay at home mom. Anyway, no time for naps. Not to mention we are also trying to find a house! Talk about stressful!

I've gained like 25 lbs already and surpassed my heaviest weight ever at around 6 weeks. That means I have hardly any clothing left that fits my lower half. Luckily I wore looser shirts to begin with. My boyfriend keeps saying it's OK and it's a good thing. I'm not feeling good about it. Then he suggests for me to go agate picking with him to get some exercise. For those of you that don't know an agate is a type of rock. Did I mention I'm tired? All the time? I did? Well I'll say it again. I'm tired all the time. Oh people said, 'You'll feel like a rock star in your second trimester. The tiredness will go  away and you'll just have this cute little bump.' Liars! I have the bump but all the rest is lies. There is no rock star feeling. You know what there is??? A whole lot of  praying that nothing happens this time when you sneeze. I could go on forever about things that people told me in the beginning that just are not true for everyone or probably anyone but their lucky asses. I mean, one of our friend's (recent new mom) actually asked me if I feel more flexible. Absolutely not. I swear this woman was from like another planet. She was the most graceful pregnant woman I've ever met and I often ponder to myself how the fuck she did it. I mean, I'm over here switching moods at the drop of a hat, crying because I have to do the dishes and she was all yoga classes and shit. So different for everyone.

It might very well be different when I can finally feel baby moving around in there. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like I'm pregnant. I have a love/hate relationship with those moments. Is there something wrong? Is it normal? See the thing is, everyone experiences this miracle of life in a different way. Some women have every symptom in the book and are positively miserable the entire time from being sick. Some, like myself, have a tough time of it because of all the mental things going on. And then there are those women who go through their entire pregnancy perfectly happy and other women secretly want to strangle them.

Basically some days are worse than others.

I think that's about all I have for today's little rant. How about you? Was/Is your pregnancy easy? No crazy mental problems like me?


Crazy Shay signing off